Loss in Las Vegas
What is it going to take for us to wake up? I mean really? What is it going to take for us to create legitimate safety from ourselves. Yes I meant ‘from’ ourselves, not for… for ourselves is only the tip of the iceberg. Not only do we need protection from ourselves, so do the animals, the children, the insects, the trees, the planet – basically every living thing. I cannot think of a living thing that human beings are not a danger to – can you? We are the problem. So what is it going to take for us to actively fix that? I’m afraid that our species will not survive it, whatever it is. It will have to be bigger than earthquakes, mass shootings, hurricanes, rape, volcanoes, human trafficking, cancer, global warming, economic crisis and war. Obviously.
My heart is with all of my tour, crew, and country music friends. I hope you are all safe. I send love to Las Vegas, just as I do Puerto Rico, Syria, and Venezuela. What’s it going to take for mental healthcare, tolerance education and economic security to be easier to get than guns? When are the mothers and the sisters going to say ‘enough’? I am at a place in my life where I am no longer sure my psyche can handle the constant lack of safety. The truth is – I am almost to a point where it takes sincere effort to get out of bed in the morning. I haven’t been to a concert, movie theatre or crowded event without looking for the closest exit and things I could hide under in at least 5 years. I can’t get on a plane, train or bus without wondering if someone has explosives in their backpack. Whether I’m walking through Manhattan at night (as I did last night) or around a secluded lake, I’m always looking over my shoulder. Wondering if I am going to have to navigate yet another violent male human. Again.
Last night, I am walking in the Fashion district of NYC. I could have taken a cab, but I wanted to walk. The weather was perfect: cool and crisp. I am musing in my head about my love for the city, and the onset of fall. But then I come to the halting reality that danger is ever present. I am walking dead on straight into a street fight. Two grown men – screaming, cursing, throwing themselves at each other, dropping the n-word and causing a large scene – apparently over 2 dollars. I stopped – not sure if I should turn around, not sure if either of them had a gun… And I realized I was too tired to care. But I wasn’t physically tired. I was exhausted with being scared. So much so that I just walked right up to the fight and crossed the street in between them as they screamed at each other.
I am fine. They simmered down and walked separate ways from each other, as I did from both of them. But it was not a wise choice. It was a desperate choice. It was so subconsciously driven, that it surprising to me even right afterward. I was literally too tired of being frightened and cautious to even change the direction I was walking. My adrenaline tank has literally run dry, and I wasn’t even sure last night if I had a desire to refill it. Then I woke up to the news of the shootings at Jason’s show. I’ve worked festivals and tours with him dozens of times. It could have easily been me there. It hits very close to home.
I live with PTSD. I am an adult survivor of 8 years of childhood sexual abuse. I have also had my share of trauma as an adult as well. I know I come by the anxiety, heightened alert system, and panic attacks honest. I know why I have them, both physiologically and psychologically. I also have a pretty decent notion of why I have them spiritually. I am willing to be uncomfortable to learn my soul’s lessons and to continue to evolve. I am not a victim and I refuse to be a doormat. But I am tired of living with a constant lack of peace and safety. I can’t understand why we are continually creating a LESS SAFE, LESS RESPECTFUL, MORE VOLATILE, MORE ABUSIVE world, and it seems as we are moving further away from peace every day.
I don’t understand where the women are. Why are we not banded together -toppling the regimes that refuse to stop selling machine guns, that refuse to feed our children and provide them healthcare, that refuse to police our daughter’s safety on campus, but want to police their bodies once they’re pregnant? Why do we allow ourselves to be served food that has been tortured or refuse to vote our conscious because we don’t want to disagree with our husbands, fathers and brothers? Why do we all run to the box office to watch Wonder Woman train on her island of female warriors, only to stay so quiet in the face of constant evil villains in the real world?
Sisters – we must find a way to insist change. We must find a way to unite our numbers in a way that is MORE powerful. I am spent with worrying – but worry is getting me NO WHERE. I don’t know about you – but I know I can’t just continue to sit in the fear. I can’t ignore it either. None of us are getting out of here alive, so we might as well DO SOMETHING. We mustn’t wait for something so tragic that it ignites action. By the time that happens, all hope may be lost forever. #noguns #womenforpeace #prayingforvegas